We have all been at that party or bar where our friend – or hopefully just an acquaintance – is making a scene/being a jerk/hasn’t showered since last weekend and who invited them? We all roll our eyes and can’t wait until the next morning when we know the whole brunch table will partake in bashing them.
If you want to end up on the brunch bashing list, here are some simple instructions:
- Text your friend in the afternoon, “What are u doing tonight?” Once the friend invites you to join the pregame/party/bar scene, respond, “I’ll get back to you.” Yes, please do look for a better gig, and then come crawling back to me once you can’t find one.
- Once the party has begun - aka Facebook notifies you the event has started – text the host, “How is it?” And whatever they say back, you should reply, “Oh shit lemme know when it gets bigger.” It’s cool that you don’t want to hang out with the person who invited you.
- Text, “Is Carlie single?” And when asked what happened to your girlfriend, say, "She's out of town this weekend."
- When you get no response to your original question, follow up with, “Any girls single there?”
- Arrive to the pregame that was clearly labeled BYOB with one beer. Proceed to drink your beer and then ask acquaintances if you can “try that.” Oh, you don’t know what vodka tastes like at 24-years-old?
- Bring a friend with you who no one will remember other than “Did he have a beard?” “No, I think he had glasses.” “I think he’s the one who clogged the toilet.” “No, he’s the one who ate all the chips.”
- Eat all the chips.
- Without asking, unplug the host’s music and put in your own. Don’t let anyone get near your music. Aggressively ask, “What, you don’t like it?”
- Let the pregame turn into a party. Ask the host when you’re going to the bars. Keep asking. Everyone else doesn’t mind kicking back here, but you – you should breathe down the host’s neck. Of course you and your chip-eating friend can’t just go to the bars by yourself; that would be ridiculous.
- “Is Jessica single?”
- “Dude, man, we gotta go to the bars.”
- Do the thing (which I didn’t know was a thing until my female friend informed me) where you put your hands on a woman’s waist when you go by her. Smirk and say, “I won’t do it again,” when she tells you it’s not okay.
- Shotgun beers (not yours, please remember that) inside. On top of carpet. White carpet.
- “Did u get my text, is Carlie single?”
- “Do you think I could get it in with Jessica? Maybe she’s changed.”
- Once you’re actually at the bars – you breathed long and hard enough down the host’s neck, congrats – ask what bar you’re going to next. (The one you’re not at.)
- When someone gets a headache and heads home, say, “Yeah, we should just drink more at your house.”
- Follow the person and their friends home. Ask, “Do you have any beer?” while everyone else sips water.
- Ask the person who has had at least six beers tonight if they think they can drive you home. Oh, they can’t right now? “Do you think you can drive in, like, 30?”
- Decline the $10 your friend offers for you to get a cab. (Are you not getting the hint?)
- Talk about who you’re texting and what party you can go to next. Meanwhile, one person is conked out in a chair, and another naps on the floor.
- Say, “We’re gonna leave, but we might be back.”