Recently Sara and I were interviewed about online dating. On camera, I was asked to narrate how I browse Tinder. So tonight, I bring you exclusive insight into what I think as I come across all that Tinder has to offer.
Dennia, 22.Blah intro photo. Her bio is mildly interesting except for the "IG: @Dennia." Like, I am on Tinder, not eHarmony; I am not switching apps to look at the granola cereal you had this morning. Left.
Stacey, 23."I called my professor a misogynist piece of shit while drunk at my school's talent show and that's pretty much all you need to know about me." Missing a comma there, Stacey. But you're edgy. Right.
(It's a match!)
Kelsey, 23.List of descriptors in her bio, including "Actor," "British comedy," and "Hummus." She might want to add "Pretentious." Her photos include her actress headshot. Definitely attractive. Right.
(It's a match! I swear this never happens to me!)
Danielle, 21.Danielle is... Danielle is not attractive. Left.
Nan, 22.First photo is with a guy. Second photo has too much filter. Third photo is too much skin, like, too zoomed in on her face. In the fifth photo I discover she graduated college. Left.
Jennifer, 23.Loves her Instagram filters. No consistent choice, though: I spy Amaro, Nashville (who uses that?!), and Earlybird. Left.
Atira, 22.Up close and personal shot of her lips. "Just Get to Know Me And Then You Will Be Able To Understand Me As A Person Striving for Greatest." Left.
Laurita, 23.I'm already digging the name. However, her bio reads, "Forever stuck as Laurita on Tinder." Honey, it ain't a bad thing. She’s cute. Could be short. Blonde. Right.
(Not a match. Sigh.)
Kelsey, 22.Her first two photos are cars. Then there's one of her on a car. And then there's one of her in the delivery room. NOPE. Left.
Stephanie, 21. First photo is three women. This game, really? Next shot is just her, but she's bland, and it's 10:30 PM, so I don't have the energy to identify her in the previous photo.Left.
Erin, 23. Toto the lapdog is in her first photo. She looks basic. Her bio is a quote by Corey Smith who is a country singer I soon discover on Wikipedia. Left.
Mariah, 22. Twelve pixelated sorority girls squatting. It's not even the first day of Christmas. Bai, Mariah. Left.
Lauren, 22.Her face is hidden behind a cat. The cat has nice eyes. Left.
Karina, 24. Mild cleavage in first photo. I consider docking points. Same photo of cleavage again. Sunglass selfie. Pixelated "I'm drunk at brunch with my frannnd" photo. Left.
Lexie, 21.She is skilled at taking the same exact pose in multiple locations and different outfits. Left.
Brittany, 27.I meant to look at her second photo, but I accidentally swiped Left.Oh well.
Sierra, 24.One of my favorite Instagram filters. "Sucker for a guy with puppy pics." Um. She also studies human genetics. She is going to be so easy to find on LinkedIn. Right.
Kaylene, 21."I'm awkward but kind of in a cute way." You're missing a comma. And you're trying too hard in that black dress in your mirror selfie. Left.
Cinthya, 24. I can't see her head in her very first photo. No head in the second photo either. All head in the last three. Left.
Kate, 23. Her bio reads, "Something witty and mysterious." Until I saw her face. Left.
Gaby, 21.A screenshot of a guinea pig with the header "I just pooped." Left.
LM, 29. "If you're on here looking for SEX, KEEP IT MOVING." I'll keep moving, but that's not why. Left.
Erin, 22."Soft spots for pups in sweaters and appropriate comma use" IF ONLY YOU DIDN'T FORGET THE PERIOD. But RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT!