In Monday's episode, I enticed you with a title called "Sex and Serial Killers," but we never got to the sex. Today we do. Grab some protection.
My senior year of college, I got chosen to be a conference assistant at a conference on leadership, which is the buzzword of higher education and my most endorsed skill on LinkedIn. Six of us from across the country were chosen. Out of the six one of us was the lead conference assistant, which means nothing, because leadership is what you do, not a title you wear (you can put that on your Pinterest quote board). Anyway, enter “Giovanni,” the lead conference assistant.
Since Giovanni and I were the two guys, we had to room together. I later found out, as the lead assistant, Giovanni was offered a private room, which would have meant I got a private room, too, but Giovanni turned it down. The actual hell??? Who turns down a private room? I guess he was just being a leader in fiscal responsibility.
I would get my private room soon enough, though. So would he.
When I meet a person, I try to like them from the start. Giovanni seemed fine. He was a double major at a decent southern school and had secured some government fellowship for the following year. He probably had endorsements for “Leadership” on his LinkedIn, too.
We then got on an elevator to go up to our room. I had grabbed a warm cookie from the front desk and was about to bite into it when Giovanni asked, “How is that?” His hand lunged forward and plucked a piece right off my cookie. “Mm, tastes good.”
In our room, Giovanni told me he had a friend in the area tomorrow night. “Do you mind if I have her over tomorrow?”
Me: “No, that’s totally fine.” Because I’m assuming you mean to hang out, not to f*ck while I'm in the room. But how innocent my mind must be!
Giovanni: “Ugh, my girlfriend has been calling me all day. Do you mind giving me a moment?”
Me: “Sure, I’ll leave the room.”
The next morning the plot thickened. Giovanni had to work a table with another one of the conference assistants, an attractive blonde. He asked her if she was single. Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend.
Me: “I have a girlfriend, but we’re in an open relationship.”
An awkward pause presented itself.
After lunch Giovanni announced to us all that “his friend in the area” had arrived. Turned out, this friend was a girl named “Kellie” who was actually a conference participant. Kellie and Giovanni met at the last year’s conference, hit it off, but nothing happened because they both were in relationships. This year, things were different.
“It’s gonna happen tonight,” he declared.
Me: Do you mean in my room?
I’ll give it to them, their lust was palpable. At dinner they could only focus on each other. The entire conference leadership witnessed their affection burning like a supernova. Giovanni kept buying her drinks.
Also by this point, Giovanni had pissed off the rest of the assistants with his leadership. He was prone to announcing his elevated status – “I’m the lead assistant” – when there really was no difference between any of us. We all moved chairs and pointed the way to participants. He also stole the croutons off another assistant’s place at lunch while asking, “Are you going to finish that?”
Assistant: “I was.”
So the other assistants decided we would return to my hotel room to hang out. Of course we knew full well Giovanni would be returning there shortly. So there we were drinking when Giovanni and Kellie walked in. Kellie staggered in her heels and sat down on the bed. We had about two minutes of conversation when Giovanni told us, “Some people are playing cards in the lobby. You should join them.”
One of the other assistants: “Maybe in a little bit.”
Giovanni: “You don’t want to miss when they start the next game.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my phone light up. Giovanni had texted me. I made out the words: “You all should go down to the lobby.”
The other assistant: “Let’s finish our drinks first.”
Giovanni: “Cazey, I think I heard your phone buzz.”
Me: “I’ll check it in a second. I’m gonna use the bathroom.”
Finally, I felt guilty enough about sabotaging Giovanni and Kellie’s tryst so I initiated our departure to the lobby. Except an assistant left her purse in the room.
Me: “Well, you’re going back there. I’m not interrupting that.”
In the lobby we found other conference participants gossiping about Giovanni and Kellie.
Everyone: “Are they in your room?”
Me: “I can’t comment on that.”
Two hours of cards and drinks later, people began to retire to bed. People asked if I was going back up.
Me: “I should warn Giovanni I’m coming back.”
I texted, “Hey, I’m about to come back up.” I waited fifteen minutes and then headed up. I knocked before entering. Mind you, I had provided them two and a half hours of alone time, and it was now 1 AM. We had to be up and ready by 7 AM.
My room was pitch-black. I went to find my pajamas and toothbrush using my phone’s flashlight. In the shadows I saw their intertwined bodies on his bed. Okay, I guess she’s staying over. In the bathroom I brushed my teeth for a good five minutes providing her time to dress and sneak out. I heard no movement.
I normally sleep on my side, but I felt too awkward facing them or the ceiling where they were in my periphery, so I turned to my other side. I heard them whispering to each other. I couldn’t make out specific words. I stiffened. They started to move around. I played dead. And then, ohmigawd, there is friction. I hear friction. They are five feet away from me.
GUYS, I AM NOT ASLEEP. I AM ALIVE. I AM HEARING THIS.
There are a few options for what I could have done – sat up, made a sound, announced the above thoughts – but I dare you to do those things when you are five feet away from a couple f*cking. Make no mistake, I did toss my sheet so they were aware I was sentient, but the friction did not stop. Or the muffled moaning.
I couldn’t even reach for my phone to text someone what was happening. It was on the bedside table between us!
Finally, it stopped. I lay traumatized until I nodded off around 3 AM.
Kellie left around 6 AM.
Giovanni and I got up a tad later. While we dressed, I asked, “Is that going to happen again? Because I was awake, and that was uncomfortable.”
Giovanni: (his exact bloody words) “I thought you said it was okay if I had a friend over.”
Me: “Yeah, to hang out – not to have sex while I’m in the room. I gave you all two hours. I didn’t intend to give you a refractory period!” Okay, I didn’t add that last part.
Giovanni: “I told her she could come back tonight.”
At lunch Giovanni looked ruffled. Someone commented on this. "My girlfriend and I broke up this morning," he said.
The table: "Oh? Did you tell your girlfriend about cashing in on your open relationship status? Did she not think it was open?" Instead we stared at the tablecloth.
After lunch, the conference’s planner approached me: “Hi, Cazey, I heard from others Giovanni might have had a guest in your room last night. If something happened, we can get you another room.”
Me: *pauses* “This is awkward to admit, but that might be best.”
I texted Giovanni, “Hey, I got asked whether I wanted a new room for tonight, and I thought it best to accept so we both have some space.”
Giovanni responded, “Sorry you feel you have to move rooms. I thought you said I could have a friend over. I hope we’re okay.”
Me: “We’re fine. (It’s totally not fine. I didn’t request in-room porn.)”
When I went to retrieve my belongings from my former room, I found Giovanni had already been in the room – and pushed my king-sized bed up against his own.
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