By Kira McCarthy*
Let me first preface this whole essay by saying that I am married. That's precisely why I'm writing this guest post. Single girlfriends, please get out there and meet these boys and quickly report back to me with all of the deets!
I love myself a good "let me tell you about the guy I just met" story shared amongst girlfriends. This experience is even more enhanced when you happen to be surrounded by mountains of brunch food – or any type of food if we're being honest. It's a safe and sacred time and place. Who doesn't love girl talk when you can simultaneously chow down on some eggs benedict and fries?
In return for you telling me about the guy you just met, I promise to reward you with some rock solid relationship/marriage advice or something (as if I have THAT all figured out). Regardless, ladies, I hope you run across these boys in your travels and that they give you the best stories to tell. Where did you think I got this material to begin with anyway ;)?
We're in our twenties now, so that means we (well, at least most of us) have a touch of wanderlust and the desire the need to be curious of what lies beyond our 50 beautiful states. This guy will most likely be from Europe, but he will DEFINITELY have an accent. He'll be moodier than the typical straight-cut American boys we're used to, but it'll be in a hot, smoldering kind of way.
Cue “Let's get emotional BOYS to all wear mood rings.”
He'll be different, which will automatically make him sexy. You'll spend a week daydreaming about all of the exotic places he could take you to and of all the new cultures he could introduce you to (you have got so much to learn!). Then, you'll come to your senses and realize that long distance would be way too difficult even if you got to hear that adorable accent every time he called.
THE OFFICE ROMANCE
It'll happen at some lame work event: a happy hour, a company party, maybe even just a late night at the office. Regardless, alcohol will definitely be involved. God, I just pray for you that he's one of the cuter guys you work with.
He will move quickly, so that you're not even quite sure it actually happened. But it did, because you distinctly remember cringing at his building access pass (you know, the one that matches yours) haphazardly laying on his table while he made you a drink in his kitchen.
Monday will definitely be awkward. You will run into him at the coffee machine/copy machine/in the hallway. You'll blush hardcore into your coffee mug and look at the floor, but he'll (hopefully) be completely nonchalant about it and ask you how your weekend went. You have my permission to sweep the whole thing under the rug and pretend the night never even happened. There's no need to get HR involved.
THE BEST FRIEND
Okay, so you won't have just met him. He's always been there for you. No, like, always. He knew you when you still had braces and when you thought that wearing oversized sweatshirts in public was “cool.”
He was most likely there for your first breakup, and, hey, even your most recent. You sobbed all over his shoulder and were shocked when you thought, "Wait, his arms have definitely gotten bigger, right? I don't remember these from high school...has he started working out or something?"
You'll entertain the idea for about two seconds, laugh at yourself, and then call him over to split a pizza, beer, and to binge watch Master of None. Netflix and chill, but actually I'm really just going to watch this, ’kay?
THE (LONG) OUT-OF-COLLEGE FRAT BRO
I get it. College was awesome. And I know we're all allowed to get nostalgic. However, some of us have found it a little harder to let go than others.
This guy will still live in a group house located somewhere completely clichéd like Clarendon or Mt. Pleasant. He'll tell you how his favorite drink is a Long Island iced tea or some passed-down party punch recipe that's guaranteed to knock you flat on your ass. His most impressive party trick is being able to chug a beer in five seconds flat.
He'll tell you a glory story about how he once got "so wrecked" he ended up accidentally swallowing his girlfriend's pet goldfish (and that's what swiftly ended their relationship). The song "I Love College" will play in your head every time you see him. You'll ditch him once you realize that Fridays weren't made for watching beer pong tournaments for five hours straight.
THE “HE’S TOO YOUNG FOR YOU”
You'll probably meet him at a college bar (shame on you!):
"What do you do?"
"Oh, I'm a student!"
(Clearly he means grad student, right? They hang out here too. Right?)
"Nice! What for? What year are you?"
"I'm studying politics. I'm a junior. It was my 21st birthday just last week!"
He'll puff out his chest when he says this and then flash his dimples.
No! Don't fall for that.
He'll offer to buy you a drink and quickly whip out Daddy's AmEx. He'll tell you that he's really mature for his age and that he's so glad to have met you because he's over “college girls.” You'll take the free drink (hey, I'm not judging) and brainstorm your exit strategy. You didn't sign up for babysitting tonight.
THE IN-FLIGHT LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
You're flying to go visit your cousin because you need to get out of the city for a few days and it's a three-day weekend. You finally get buckled into your seat by the window and then he gets onboard. Your jaw instantly drops, but you play it off as if you were just gearing up for a big yawn.
(Please, God, let him sit next to me. I promise I'll go to church next Sunday, just let this be a thing in my life.)
He puts his Nike duffle in the overhead and sits down next to you. He'll smile at you before pulling out to his phone. You look at him shyly, through your eyelashes, because that's sexy, right? He doesn't notice.
You scramble to start a conversation, literally anything to break the ice. You ask him if he's traveling for business or pleasure. He's polite in answering, but it's clear he doesn't want to keep the conversation going. Pouting, you put your headphones in and settle on the fact that you will actively make sure your leg touches his the entire flight. Once you land, you'll mentally blow kisses at the back of his head until this gorgeous man disappears from your life forever.
But he doesn’t have to disappear. That’s why I’m telling you about these guys! So go make the best of 2016 – and promise you’ll come back and tell me all about it. Maybe even over lattes and quiche? We’ll just charge it to that 21-year-old's card.
*Kira lives in Washington, DC and works for one of the millions of law firms in the city. Surprisingly, she actually loves her job. She also adores the people she surrounds herself with; they are her daily inspiration. If you're ever looking, you'll probably find her dancing around Georgetown/Foggy Bottom and laughing into her phone. Other bloggers interested in writing for ATOB can email firstname.lastname@example.org.