When I asked my friend Meredith to accompany me to my friend's wedding, I knew it'd be fun, but I also felt bad since Meredith lived two hours further away from the wedding than I did. So when she said her only request in all this was that we get "sticky nugs" at Billy Jack's, I had to agree. The wedding was taking place in our college town of Harrisonburg, VA, and Billy Jack's was the locals wings shack.
We Uber'd to the wedding, but soon learned that was not a feasible exit strategy (see upcoming blog post), so we took a shuttle back to the wedding hotel. I call it the wedding hotel because that's where the bride, groom, and all the guests were supposed to be staying, but when I booked us a room there, Meredith freaked out the price and insisted we could find a cheaper hotel. Which we did. But that meant we took a shuttle back to a hotel we weren't staying at.
Meredith announced to the two other passengers in the shuttle, "Cazey, I'm just going to run into the lobby and use the bathroom and then we can head downtown. Is that okay?"
Me: "Sure. I'll just wait in the lobby for you instead of going up to our room."
Other passenger (middle-aged aunt of the groom): "I remember when I used to be that young. I'm going up to bed, y'all!"
Meredith: "We're still getting sticky nugs, right?"
Me: "I mean, that's what I agreed to."
Before we left the wedding, we had refreshed our wineglasses. The bartender had topped mine off, and I felt bad leaving a full glass of red wine behind, so before we loaded into the shuttle, I had chugged my water bottle and filled it with the wine.
At some point in our journey to the hotel, I placed the water bottle on the floor and it rolled to the front of the shuttle. As we pulled up to the hotel, I asked our fellow passengers if they spotted any water bottle rolling around.
"It might be red," Meredith advised. "It's full of wine to be honest."
The underage daughter of the groom's aunt - so the groom's cousin - handed me back my water bottle full of wine.
In the hotel lobby, I snacked on warm peanut butter cookies while Meredith used the restroom. When she returned, we requested an Uber. I also refilled Meredith's water bottle for her with water (not wine).
As the Uber pulled up, I asked if I should bring my water bottle of wine with us.
Meredith: "Yeah, why wouldn't you?"
While in college, I went to Billy Jack's only twice. I had no real attachment to the joint. Apparently Meredith had had a different college experience and hopped up and down in the backseat at our approach.
"I'm so excited, Billy Jack's is going to ID us!" she exclaimed. "It's like we're back in college!"
After attending a wedding where the best man declared it had been seven years since our freshman year of college, I think we suddenly grasped to retain our youth. We piled out of the Uber, flashed our drivers' licenses to the ID checker - meanwhile both water bottles under my arm in plain sight - and found seats at a window in Billy Jack's. I placed the water bottles on the table, a waitress hurried over and took our order - sticky nugs, two waters, and two pickleback shots - and Meredith said she'd be right back, she had to use the restroom again.
"I'm so excited!" she repeated. "These sticky nugs are life changing."
Before she left, she added, "Did you see, the waitress took our water bottles? Why'd you put them on the table?"
Sure enough, I turned around, and the water bottles were gone. Oh well. I didn't really see myself drinking that wine.
While I waited for Meredith to use the restroom once more, the waitress came back with our waters. And then she asked: "Hey, were those water bottles yours?"
Me: "What water bottles...oh, I think so, yeah!"
I don't know why I admitted to this, but I said it with so much pep that surely I wasn't hiding a crime.
Waitress: "Oh. Okay."
Something was clearly wrong. But it was too late to deny water bottle ownership. And why would I so readily admit to having brought those water bottles in if there was anything wrong with them?
An old friend appeared at my table. "Cazey! Ah! I just saw Meredith! How are you?" This friend and I exchanged pleasantries, but behind them, I saw the waitress had returned. She waited patiently.
Friend: "It's so great to see you! I have to catch up with my friends, but I hope you're doing well!"
Me: "I am!"
Friend exits scene right.
Waitress: "So, unfortunately, we found wine in one of those water bottles, so we have to ask you to leave. It's illegal to bring liquor into an establishment."
"What?" I feigned surprise. "There was wine in one of the water bottles? I brought them in, we got them at a wedding. Would I admit to bringing them in if I knew there was wine in one of them?"
Waitress: "I don't know. Maybe your friend put wine in it."
Me: "Maybe she did."
Waitress: "We're going to have to ask you to leave. We can't serve you."
She didn't apologize.
I floundered. "So we can't get sticky nugs?"
Waitress: "No, you can't."
Fork. Meredith was going to kill me.
Me: "Okay...well, she's in the bathroom, so once she gets back, we'll leave."
Waitress exits scene. Cazey ponders what he has done.
Meanwhile, Meredith never made it to the restroom. She, too, ran into an old acquaintance and was busy reconnecting when a different waitress than our original one and two male waiters (bouncers??) approached her. They did not wait for Meredith to finish her conversation. Something to the effect of "Ma'am, you brought wine into our establishment, so you need to leave" was said.
She didn't try to argue.
She returned to me pondering my life choices. "We have to leave," she said.
Me: "I know."
Meredith: "They just came over while I was talking to my sorority little and said we brought wine in here. You brought wine in here."
Me: "I know. They asked if they were our water bottles, and I accidentally said yes, but then they said there was wine, and I said, 'Would I admit to bringing in a water bottle full of wine if I had?' And they suggested you did it. And I didn't say you didn't."
Meredith: "You little liar!"
Me: "I tried to get us sticky nugs, but they said no."
On the sidewalk, Meredith declared, "You got us kicked out of Billy Jack's! The only thing I wanted out of this weekend was those sticky nugs and you got us kicked out!"
I started dying of laughter, per usual in situations like this one. I finally straightened up enough to suggest maybe they deliver. But when I called the restaurant, they said they didn't deliver, but we could pick up an order at the bar. But we knew that was never going to happen.
We Uber'd back to our actual hotel.
If you liked this, then you may like: