I downloaded Headspace a few months ago because I thought it would help me de-stress. I thought this would help me de-stress because that's the point of meditating. However, the running feed in my head has made meditating anything but relaxing.
The app itself is rather nice. It's a British man who talks you through 10 minutes-a-day meditation sessions. He sounds like a lovely guy, and the thought about meditating for 10 minutes every day is a good idea. I haven't committed to doing it every day, and I've only done it five times not consecutively.
I thought meditating would be easy. Instead, this is what happens in my head...
Oh shoot, he's talking about the weight settling through my feet and I'm sitting cross-legged. I'm doing this wrong. Let me readjust.
Readjusting made my nose run a bit. Where's my tissue? Oh wait, focus on thinking about nothing. But my nose is about to drip.
Okay, blew my nose. We're back on track.
Oh, you want me to sit with my eyes open and relax? But I'm staring at a pile of clothes on my floor. Oh shoot, my toenails could really use a cut.
There are the clippers. Right there. Mine as well just quick snip and then I can focus more.
All set! Back to counting. He said count to ten, but for some reason I just keep counting to four. Dang it, my nose is running again.
Oh you want me to listen to the noises without listening? You want me to be okay with the kid crying below me? Not happening.
There's a video I need to watch? It looked like spam. I guess I need to go back. Yup, not worth going back to.
My emotions are cars. I can just sit on the side of the road and watch them. But he mentioned anxiety, and I feel a lot of that. I'm more of sitting in the middle of the road, getting hit by these car emotions and not just watching them pass.
He told me to stop thinking, but what am I supposed to do? I can't just sit here. Here I am sitting here, thinking about how I'm not thinking.
Relax, Sara. You're meditating. But really, how does focusing on noise help me relax? I can hear everything and I'm not alright with it. I thought this was supposed to relax me.
This is so damn frustrating. Just tell me what to think about so I can stop thinking.
Sigh. He told me to sit casually, but I just did abs and I want to lie down. Screw it, I'll just lay down. Breathing isn't as easy laying down. It's more labored. But that's fine. At least I'm laying down.
Can I open my eyes yet? I'm going to fall asleep.
Is that someone texting me? Don't look, you're meditating. But I'll be more relaxed, knowing who's communicating with me.
Oh, it's no one I need to answer quickly. Why am I so unresponsive to some people? I feel like I should either ignore everyone or no one. Shoot, pay more attention to meditating.
Jeez, these ten minutes are long. How much longer? Might as well peek at my phone. I don't understand why I'm using my phone to meditate. It's ironic since my anxiety sometimes comes from being too connected.
Anyway, this British guy reminds me of the UK. Boy, was that a good time. Did he just say to "let thoughts come and go"? How is this meditating?
I'm annoyed that this isn't relaxing.
Oh phew, he told me this is done. Maybe next time it won't be so stressful. But so far, that logic hasn't paid off.