When on my phone and scrolling through Facebook, it often seems that Facebook is trying to be Tinder - or a pot-stirrer. It's either, "Who is this long-haired goddess?" or "Why would I want to be friends with him? He attacked me with a tennis racket in middle school."
Today I brief you on Facebook's top pics for my future friends:
Elissa. We follow each other on Instagram and bonded at a homecoming tailgate this past year - because rain and alcohol happened. We should be friends. She likes most of my photos.
Andrew. My friend's roomate. I'm in love with his cat. Her name is Barcelona. Andrew and I follow each other on Instagram (so I can like photos of Barcelona), but I don't think we're Facebook-level. Unless, do you think he posts photos of Barcelona there, too?
Josiah Johnson and Tyler Williams. Like, I wish I could add them and they'd accept. They're part of the Head and the Heart, which was my most played artist in the spring, summer, and fall of 2014 according to Spotify. We have two mutual friends who are a bit more on the underground scene than I am and met the two in London pre-fame.
Ashley. Is a supermodel or could be. We have one mutual friend who I only interacted with once over email six years ago. Why does Facebook think we know each other? Is it playing matchmaker? I won't object.
Gabe. I follow him on Instagram, because he posts artsy shots, but the dude hasn't followed me back, so I question this relationship a lot. Obviously I'm not adding him on Facebook if he can't even follow me back on Instagram. Plus, I don't actually know who he is. Maybe I would if I added him.
Jonathan. He's someone who I think I would get along with. He often appears and/or comments on mutual friends' photos. He also has a fashion sense that I wish I could pull off. Anyway, I don't think this friend crush will ever see fruition. I don't even know where he lives.
Brent. This is Sara's friend who I've met a few times. Maybe I will add him.
Colleen. Colleen, Colleen, Colleen . . . who are you?
Bill. This is my Sunday school teacher from ten years ago who quit in the middle of a Sunday morning lesson. I think we weren't paying attention, and he said something about not being paid to deal with this stuff. Maybe he should have brought Krispy Kreme donuts and not Dunkin' Donuts. Or maybe we were just heathen brats.
Dalton. My friend's boyfriend. When they entered into a relationship, I texted my friend that I had no idea what his boyfriend looked like, so how could I approve? He replied that I should just add him on Instagram, so I did. (I'm still not positive what he looks like because, thankfully, he doesn't post selfies.) But I'm trying to move past the phase in my life where I added everyone and their pet cockatoo, so I'm going to refrain from this Facebook friendship, too.
Peyton. What the eff? I thought we were friends? Did you defriend me?!
Michelle. Looks like wife material. She attended Vegas in her previous profile picture and did go to my alma mater. But I don't know where this suggestion came from besides the 34 mutuals.
Kodie. She's a bit basic down to the flowers in her hair. I conjecture she's part of the student org I was a member of in undergrad.
Julia. Took a bit of clicking and guessing, but I've deduced Julia is the ex-girlfriend of my freshman year roommate's current best friend (who was not his best friend freshman year). Yeah, I don't actually know her.
Shayna. Will be on the next season of The Bachelor. There's just something in her face. Maybe I should add her before she makes it big?
Trey. Pretty sure I added him four years ago. He never accepted. So now Facebook wants to intervene?
All in all, I've deduced that Facebook and Instagram are owned by the same company.
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