Welcome back to the newest season of why I shouldn't use dating apps. Three things happen when you log onto Tinder/OkCupid/Bagel Meets Coffee/Bumble (yes, that's a real app): You match with either someone you like, someone you don't, or someone you know.
In general when I come across a friend on any such app, I close up shop and move states. Okay, I really just the close app. I have other friends who automatically swipe right and others who automatically swipe left. Either way, I really don't care what you do. Today is not a rant on the proper etiquette for interacting with friends through Tinder. You just need to be prepared when you run into your friend at the next happy hour. You never know if they'll bring it up. Or maybe they didn't see you! ("You're on Hinge? What's that?")
But what happens when you're avoiding your friend, so you look across the bar and you recognize someone else from the app? Sure, you don't remember her name and you've never actually met, but you know her. You've been on her profile. You recall the fish face in her profile pic and the cliché hand-on-hip-on-a-dock-with-her-chicas-with-a-Sutro-filter pose.
Crap, now you've made eye contact. Where is your tab when you need it?
This scenario has happened to me at least twice. Today we have story one:
On OkCupid, you can see who's viewed your profile. This is a nice feature so you can feel inflated when they view your profile multiple times, and you don't visit theirs because there is a cat in their picture and you own a bird. We're already incompatible.
OkCupid also lets you know when someone has liked your profile. Of course, it doesn't tell you flat out who hearted you, but you don't get a bachelor's and not have the deduction skills to figure out that the "Susie just looked at my profile, someone just liked my profile, and now OkCupid is asking what I think about Susie - hmm, I wonder." This sort of love game is Parcheesi.
So hypothetical Susie did this exact thing to me. I clicked over to her profile to look, and okay, this is where I'm a horrible person. Let's just say, Susie is not the most desirable looking person. Anyway, I just closed the app and went on with life. Except Susie visited my profile several more times. (Susie, I can see you!)
Fast forward 24 hours. I am making a return at Gap. GAP: Beacon of affordable, well-fitting jeans and 40% off sales. Otherwise known as a haven for not running into lovers, former, so-so, or never-was.
I'm standing in line behind three people: A high school couple and a short woman. We're approaching closing time, I just want to make it out of here so I can make it to the food court before closing, and whoever is at the counter may or may not be adopting a child. What is taking them so long?
Finally, a new cashier opens a line. The short woman approaches the counter. I catch her profile, and I freeze. By Beyoncé, that is Susie.
Oh my f*cking Gabriel, this is not happening.
I contemplate walking out, but I did not miss the ice cream at the food court only to have stood in line in vain. But why - why - in what life does your cyber stalker from last night show up in the same department store as you?!
Naturally, I text my friend these thoughts. Them: "Are you sure it's her? How do you know?"
Because, if we're going to be real, Susie had a cranial deformity. It's not like I'm going to forget her face. And she looked at my profile four times last night. That is Susie, and why is she in Gap right now? What is this hell?
Did Susie see me? Who knows. She probably did after my sharp intake of breath and the fact I bodily turned and considered wrapping a scarf around my face (40% off, hey). And this has nothing to do with her looks. This has to do with the fact that I should be able to go out in public without my faux dating life interfering. Can Hozier give me an "amen"?