In my youth, I befriended people on Facebook who I would not even speak to, but hey, I saw you at that party last night. It’s all about networking, right? Now I have to talk to you for a minimum of 15 minutes before I click “Add.” That doesn’t mean I’ll remember you in six months when I see you on my newsfeed For example:
Stella: My best friend and I went to the river a couple of months before I moved to Richmond, VA. Two girls started talking to us, both college freshmen. They were high and looking to get higher. One was Stella (obviously). The other had dropped out of school after some sort of drug incident, and ever since her parents wouldn’t allow her to be alone. That weekend her babysitter was Stella. Somehow my friend and I took selfies with these girls, and so we had to become Facebook buddies so we could be tagged. Except Stella never posted the photos.
I would have forgotten about Stella if I didn’t see her, I don’t know, every other day at the gym. She is a lifeguard there. I can’t tell if she wants to pretend we do or don’t know each other.
Katrina*: Facebook says we’ve been friends since December 2011. We have 25 mutual friends. She likes everything that I post, and she’s sorta cute. Except who are you? In 2012 and 2013, she wished me “Happy birffffdaaay!” Spelled the same way both years. What about my 2014 birfday, Kat?
*She’s currently Kat on Facebook.
Kyle: Once upon a time Cazey had a crush on this girl who he never should have had a crush on, but she convinced Cazey to add Kyle on Facebook because Kyle is from Cazey’s hometown. They’ve never met or communicated – or so Cazey thought until he checked their “See Friendship.” In March 2011, Cazey wrote on Kyle’s wall,
“You are an asshole,” love [insert former crush’s name], coming from 3:01 a.m.
Now that’s a friend worth keeping.
Zach, Travis, and Chad: I think there’s one more name that should be clumped with them. These are the Michigan Boys. Sophomore year spring break took place in Myrtle Beach. One night my friends and I met these dudes at an 18+ club (because we were 19 *shudders*) and then drove to the beach house they were renting. Which was 40 minutes away. They were all leaving for Michigan the next morning. Epic memories include: The house had an elevator. The only food in the house was frozen chicken and pizza, and the oven was broke, so I sucked on a frozen chicken nugget until it was chewable. A girl tried going down on a guy with everyone in the room. I didn’t think that stuff happens except in California.
Rebecca: At first I was going to write, “No idea.” But really, what I mean is, “Rebecca, you’ve gained a bit of weight….” We became friends in 2009. High school classmates.