Some people may find this very not of the spirit, but every Christmas, I email my mom my wish list with links. This way I ensure I get what I want, and I leave room for surprises, e.g. what color/brand/amount Santa should bring. This year my list contained five items:

• A double-breasted coat
• Earphones with a remote microphone (the thing where you can adjust the volume without pulling your iPhone out of your pocket)
• Happy Socks
• UnderArmour
• Sleeveless athletic shirts

What I received this morning does not exactly match the requests.

The coat: This is not Santa's fault. My mom ordered this on November 30, and it never arrived. Two days ago, I'm reading the local newspaper, and some UPS bandit has recently been arrested for stalking the UPS man and stealing packages off front porches. I filled a Missing Coat Report with the detective, and hopefully it will turn up. Genius scheme, though.

Earphones: Hey, Santa, I would have just said "earphones" if I didn't want the remote microphone thingie. But in 2014, I would like to change my music's volume and shuffle songs without extracting the device from my pocket. However, I got . . . just earphones. Like, the $12 ones from Walgreen's. I think I'll exchange them and get Starbucks.

Happy Socks: Can't really go wrong here, but, Santa, it was a close call.

UnderArmour: My mom gave me underwear and said, "Isn't that the same thing?"

Sleeveless athletic shirts: Similar to the earphones, Santa/my mom neglected the qualifying adjective "sleeveless." I unwrapped three shirts with very evident sleeves. My mom's defense: "It's winter. I can't imagine anyone without sleeves." I both opened that gift and write this while wearing a sleeveless shirt. Worse, I bought a sleeveless shirt with my mom two days ago, and now she can't locate it: "It's somewhere in my closet."

I also received an umbrella, glass cleaner, and a luffa. Meanwhile, my dad got my mom tickets to "Phantom of the Opera," and she cried.