I am a Starbucks aficionado. This is no secret. I have been a Gold Card-holding member since I exited the womb. And my membership doesn’t expire until Trump ends his presidency.

I love to collect stars. Stars are the points you collect for drinking overpriced coffee. Every 125 stars, you get a free beverage. And it can be anything. My typical order is a $3.26 iced venti Americano with blonde espresso and light soy. When it’s a reward, I order a milkshake made with almond milk and two pumps hazelnut, five pumps millennial.

When it’s a Double Star Day, I’m there. Every month Gold Card-carrying members are designated a day where whatever they order earns them two times the normal number of stars. Again, we’re trying to get to 125 so we can ultimately order a free drink that is made of myrrh and gasoline at summer prices.

When I heard about the Starbucks Bingo Rewards, I got excited. I missed this opportunity last year. Starbucks Bingo is a game where you unlock certain grid cells on a 3x3 bingo board and earn more stars. You can earn up to 400 stars. That’s more than three free drinks! Gosh, think of the potential!

The problem is, all the grid cells are complex ordering challenges. Some are literally like, “Order eight days in a row before 10 am, and make sure the streak overlaps a full moon.”

I’m not exaggerating.

Okay, just a little.

But a real challenge is called the “Two for Yum”: “Pair any iced beverage or Frappuccino blended beverage with any bakery item after 2 PM on two separate Fridays.”

Who has the foresight and strategy to plan two Fridays ahead? This is coming from the most Type A person in existence (me). And what if I don’t want a bakery item? I’m all about collecting stars when I need caffeine, but this is calling for a caffeine overdose in the name of B-I-N-G-O and idjit was my name-o.

Currently, I have partial completion for three of the nine challenges. The “Order on the Way” challenge seems right up my alley. I mobile order Starbucks every time I go because I hate awkward human interactions and where do my eyes focus when the cashier is talking to me?

Except the “Order on the Way” challenge requires that I order eight times ahead on my phone. EIGHT.

This bingo contest only runs 28 days. How many coffees am I supposed to order in a month?

I also am 2/5 there on the “Coffee Ranger” challenge: “Make a purchase at five different participating Starbucks stores.”

It’s believable I’ve gone to two different Starbucks stores. There’s one by my apartment and another by my office. But five??? I’m a traveler, but not like that. I honestly can only think of two more Starbucks stores where I could conceivably get coffee in Richmond that wouldn’t be out of my way.

I guess I do need to become a ranger.

My favorite challenge that I have not completed and will probably never (I only have five days left) is the “Coffee With Friends”: “Purchase four handcrafted beverages in a single order.”

There are just so many what-if’s to this scenario. Maybe it’s because I don’t work in a typical office, but how often does one pay for four of their friends’ drinks? If we’re together, why don’t we pay separately? Or am I supposed to bump in and say, “Let me get this, I’m playing Bingo”? And how often am I with four friends? What would Harry, Ron, and Hermione do? Is Ginny there?

And it can’t just be hot coffee. It says “handcrafted beverages.” They want us to order ice sculptures at the sound of that. I’m not even sure if my iced Americano counts as handcrafted.

Anyway, this Bonus Star Bingo is a farce. If you’re playing it, you might be earning stars, but you’re also earning my eye roll.

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