By Cazey Williams
Tonight I visited our friend, Sara (assuming we’re all friends if you’re reading this blog), and she basically ignored me while she worked on an upcoming blog (salacious tidbit: it’s about Ebola). And so, since I’m a millennial, I can’t occupy myself, so I turned to the TV where ABC was playing some Game of Thrones spinoff. Except, wait, it’s a reality show.
Yes, folks . . . that doesn’t make sense, does it?
Consequently, we decided that I should narrate this experience of watching “The Quest,” otherwise known as “Lord of the Rings” on primetime ABC featuring bad actors and LARPers escaped from their mothers’ basements, for Tweets & Mascara’s first ever pop culture blog.
This show might already be better than “The Bachelor,” because their first task in tonight’s episode is to kill a dragon.
“You can hear the dragon breathing and feel the earth shaking,” a woman tells us. No, ma’am, that’s the camera work.
Contestant Lina makes a “stupid mistake.” Quote unquote her. Gosh, the dragon might eat her.
At this point we can’t even see the dragon. There are just a lot of fog machines. Wait, I’m probably supposed to mistake that for smoke.
“I hope everyone is having this problem,” a man tells the camera (presumably after the chaos has subsided), “because if not, I’ll look like a fool.” Because you aren’t freaking out about a CGI dragon or anything. If it’s even CGI. If we even see it.
“I have to remind myself what I’m fighting for,” a burly man vents in his video diary. Like, what are you fighting for, sir? A cash prize? Tickets to Comic Con? Or is it Galleons at Gringotts?
Following the dragon saga (which not sure what happened), we learn that our contestants have to face the Fates who primarily consist of a youthful, but bald woman who stares into the camera and whispers stuff about the quest – you know, the name of the show. Very self-explanatory stuff.
“We just gotta focus on the Fates now,” a woman who looks like Zena lets us know. “We just gotta remember, we locked up the dragon, we’re good now.” So that’s what happened to the dragon.
Apparently everyone wants to be the one true hero. This phrase is repeated at every turn. Someone informs the viewer, “They’re other things that a hero needs to possess to be the one true hero.” But you don’t need 20/20 vision if you’re a Harry Potter fan.
Sara laments, “The amount of times I’ve heard ‘one true hero’ is sorta surreal.” Not as surreal as that dragon.
Then they discuss who has the sun sphere. Gtfo. I go to the bathroom.
When I return, our contestants are going after the, sigh, dragon’s eggs. How is this primetime television again?
"We get to this barren field with these deep pits,” contestant Bonnie describes as the camera lets us see a barren field with deep pits. In these pits are the eggs, which will burn you if you touch them. Thanks for letting us know.
“After getting up to the dragon egg, you can smell it,” Zena’s twin says. Tell me, Zena, what does dragon smell like?
Back at the Fates, someone gets voted out. Excuse me, banished. Or was she Fate’d?
Bye-bye – but wait, she has wisdom for us: “Being a hero doesn’t mean you have to go and save an entire kingdom. You can be a hero in your everyday life.” Or star in your own ABC reality show.
Bonnie will now live action role play as a motivational speaker.
After watching this show for an entire hour (though distracted by a dog that wants a walk and Sara bending over chip dip in front of the TV), I’m still confused.