Exercising my right to complain about exercise classes

By Cazey Williams Sara told me that people like lists, and I like complaining. In fact, to get my own tab on Tweets & Mascara, I told Sara, “I bet I can find something to complain about every week.”

I assume most people have attended some sort of exercise class in their life. So tonight I thought I’d list what spikes my blood pressure in group exercise classes other than actually working out. For example:

When class ends early. When I ate my third slice of pizza at lunch (or let’s be real, fourth, because is anyone taking that?), I am anticipating a full 60 minutes of sweat. So when the instructor has me out of the room ten minutes to the top of the hour, I haven’t reached my perceived quota of calories burned. What am I supposed to do? Hop on a treadmill for a 10-minute interval training program? Or better yet, order more pizza when I get home?

Similarly, when class begins late, this ticks me off. 1.) You’re cutting into my hour of calorie burning. And 2.) I’m here to exercise my body, not my social anxiety. Enough awkward time with my phone out of reach!

“You’re stronger than your mind.” This is how instructors begin a lot of classes. And you’re right; I am. Because I am here and did not skip. I resisted going early to happy hour / devouring dark chocolate blueberries that aren’t even actual blueberries (looking at you, Brookside Dark Chocolates) / working through life responsibilities that can’t be left behind at the office. But that does NOT mean I can physically push my legs faster or maintain this plank for a minute.

“You choose what to do.” The instructor says, “Take three minutes and do your favorite exercise, drill, stretch, etc.” I purposefully signed up for this class to surrender my autonomy. Don’t ask me what I want to do. All day I have decided what to wear, what to eat, how to sign emails (Thanks? Best? Sincerely?), etc. Now, YOU tell me how to work my triceps.

Partner drills. “Grab a partner.” Time out. I didn’t come here to speed date. I struggle to make eye contact with my own reflection in the mirror during a class, let alone asking the dripping stranger beside me whether we can press feet together (their soles are brown; mine aren’t much better) and do buddy boat pose.

Or worse, the instructor wants me to cheer on my partner. Back to me not making eye contact: I will not draw more attention to myself by telling my newfound acquaintance that they’re killing it or “Go, go, go!” How about no? Or I’ll kill you.

Lying about the time. I saved the best for last: The instructor says it’s a seven minute climb on the bike. Fourteen minutes later, we’re still climbing. Or they say, “Five,” pause for five seconds, “four,” pause for five seconds, “three,” pause, etc. There is no beating around this bush: I’ll burn it down right here. You’re a ****ing liar, I don’t trust you anymore, and I am neither climbing nor give a crap about you because you have backstabbed me in the heat of a workout, and now I hope your shower after this consists of the toxins leaking from my pores.

Leave your complaints about exercise classes in the comments!

20 Times I Knew I Must be an Adult

Here's a non-exhaustive list of times the thought, "So this is adulthood," struck me pretty strong. Without further adieu, in no particular order:

1. Scheduling my own doctor's appointment and having to fill out all that obnoxious paperwork.
2. Going pants shopping and purchasing them from the women's section instead of the junior's section.
3. Buying the women's jeans and being excited about how well they fit and how much coverage they provide.
4. Wanting sneakers at Firefly, despite them not going with my outfit. However, I still packed like a kid and went with the cute shoes instead.
5. Having people trust me enough to work from home.
6. Dealing with the bullshit that is car trouble. Times three.
7. Having to request time off to go home (well, now my parent's house I guess) and not just being assigned a time to leave (like college breaks).
8. Needing to recruit a chaperone when I needed my wisdom teeth out, rather than just having my mom around for it.
9. Giving a presentation about my job and being thought of as the "professional opinion." Then doing a good enough job to be asked to do it several times more.
10. Handing out business cards.
11. Being included on a recipe email chain, and actually having something of merit to provide.
12. Taking over the title on my car AND paying my own insurance for it, which is also in my name.
13. Going to my mailbox to receive nothing but bank statements and bills, rather than care packages and holiday themed cards.
14. Laying in bed all night stressing about work.
15. Laying in bed all night and not being able to whine to my mother about it.
16. Things breaking around the house and not being able to just leave it for my dad to fix.
17. Missing holidays, birthdays and other social outings because of work.
18. Spending money on things freely and not feeling terribly ridden with guilt for spending my parent's money frivolously.
19. Filling out my own taxes (albeit with a lot of help from my dad).
20. Having to pack my own lunch everyday.

Were there any times that you were ever overwhelmed by feelings of adulthood? Leave 'em in the comments! :)