As someone who loves and values efficiency and a nice succession of plans that are realistic, it's easy for me to forget to actually enjoy what I'm doing. As I'm running from work to the gym to a volunteer event and then back home to have dinner with my boyfriend, I forget that everything I'm doing is supposed to be fun.Read More
Since FaceTime debuted however many years ago, I have been averse to it. Like any millennial, I hate speaking on the phone. So why would I prefer to showcase my double chin while speaking on the phone? If we need to chat, we can text or email.
When friends attempt to engage me on FaceTime, I ignore and text back, “What do you [possibly] want?” In the rarest of instances where I have been hoodwinked into participating in this torture, I leave my phone face-up while I run around my apartment sorting clothes, washing dishes, and shouting toward the phone. One time I did this in the bathroom and my friend informed me of the mold growing under my medicine cabinet. In what other circumstances would I look under my medicine cabinet?!Read More
In late high school, I discovered the value of independence and began to expound its virtue in every facet of my life. Even when I dallied in an extended romance mid-college, I never considered bounding it by such terms as “relationship” or “love” (“low self-esteem” and “self-destructive” would’ve been more apt terms honestly).
Since college, I hadn’t even looked to date. A few years ago, I went on a handful dates to prove probably to myself and friends I could date if I wanted to. I found minimal enjoyment in sharing drinks with strangers I really didn’t care to see again, so I gave that business up fast. I aggressively defended my monk life to family members over the holidays.Read More
Lately, I’ve found myself on Bumble. Despite assertions that I am a happy single (which is relatively true), I also find myself seeking validation and attention like any self-involved twenty-something via a cultivated dating profile. Who thinks I’m attractive and witty? Are they also attractive and witty?
Bumble, like the majority of dating apps, revolves around swiping to others’ profiles - right if I think they’re photogenic, intelligent, and have some career trajectory; left if less than cute, ultra-conservative, or have some predisposition for puppy-eared Snapchat filter selfies. (Seriously, girls - maybe guys too - don’t do that crap.)Read More
When I ran into “Vanessa” - a name designation made only for the alliteration of “Vanessa the Vixen” - a few weeks ago, I hadn’t seen her in years. The last time I thought of her was probably two years before and only because her younger sister posted something on Facebook tagging her.
Growing up, Vanessa always existed in the periphery of my universe. She was the older, popular, valley girl-esque blonde who lived in my neighborhood and always seemed to be attached to some faceless jock. We went to the same elementary, middle, and high school and then even college, but I don’t think we ever ran into each other there. We may have 160 mutual friends on social media, but that hardly denotes being part of the same friendship circle.Read More
My friends know I ask inappropriate questions. I ask these questions in the most straightforward way possible and usually without ulterior motive. I am genuinely curious what people’s salaries are and how much is their rent and how old are their parents. I freely offer up my own answers to these very questions: I make $28,000/year, pay $550 in rent, and my mom would disinherit me if I shared her age.
Maybe it’s because I’m not trying to hoodwink anyone, but people generally me the truth. And I’m talking strangers disclose personal failures after one inquiry. I once helped my friend pick up a couch from a Craigslist seller. By the end of the interaction, I knew the seller’s hometown, graduation year, and why he and his girlfriend broke up (it was originally her couch).
However, asking these types of questions can sometimes get you into trouble or, at a minimum, leave the wrong impression.Read More
This past winter, I met someone. For a month, it worked out, and then due to a host of inevitabilities that I'll save for future blogposts rants, things fractured. The day following our split, I went on Bumble out of spite. I wanted friends to report Cazey is back in the game (was he ever in the game?), he wasted no time, she meant nothing, he really is a Slytherin. I also wanted to keep up momentum – dating had been fun for an inexplicable moment. Maybe several moments.
“Juliet” was the second person I matched with. She was obviously attractive, tall, well educated, and prompt enough at replying. We also maintained conversation slightly above small talk, though we did regress to discussing central air conditioning by day six.Read More
Step one: download Tinder. Or it can be any app that our generation uses that allows you to meet young, attractive locals without ever leaving your bedroom.
Swipe right. Be sure not to swipe too far right and up or you might Super Like them, and how awkward is that to show someone you really, really think they’re attractive. It’s better not to give people the upper hand in these commitmentphobic times. Or worse, you might accidentally Super Like someone unattractive. Gasp. Undo! CTRL+Z!
Keep swiping right. It takes a few minutes/hours/days until you find a match. Well, hopefully not days.Read More
The narration goes like this: “This guy asked to meet tomorrow at a bar. Should I go? Free drinks…”
“He’s a bad texter, but he’ll probably pay for dinner.”
“I’m at dinner right now, and I just ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. I hope he pays. I don’t want to see him again.”Read More
When you go on Tinder, there are certain questions you expect: "What's up?" "What do you like to do?" "Where do you live?" "DTF?"
What you don't expect to read is, "What is your ideal Tinder relationship?" I imagine if this was asked at a dinner party, everyone would stop talking.Read More